Pumping Iron Saturday, November 28, 2009

"If a person can't dedicate a single hour in a whole day to his own body, he's good for nothing" -Akshay Kumar's views on fitness.

 "Fuck you Akshay!! If I were told that keeping myself fit would tranlsate into a thousand  crores a year, I'd be bench pressing my ass off." - Anonymous

Like all young guys grown up watching actors whose bare waxed chests shine more their acting prowess, one fine day I decided that my time has come. A sexy physique was every man's birthright and I was out to have it. There was only one problem though. It couldn't be done over the internet, ordered over the phone, or happen by watching TV (the ways I preferred  most (all) stuff should happen). It required actual physical workout, I was told. DAMN!

I did join a gym eventually, the most expensive one around. You shouldn't be compromising on quality you know, it's your body after all. The first day was nice. An amazingly hot 'client manager' showed me around the place. The equipment was nice but ordinary, the crowd was anything but ordinary. As I walked around inspecting stuff (which included asking weird questions like the playlist of the songs they will be playing and will the machines be able to withstand the huge force which I'll be putting them through), I was greeted by wide smiles worn by the most beautiful women ever assembled to lift weights. My idea of how a women weightlifter looks has always been influenced by our olympic medal winner Karnam Malleshwari. That changed today. Women body builders could be hot I now knew. Their grunting noises while they lifted weights seemed to inspire me. One of the many inspirations I got from these noises was to look fab. And so I decided, this gym was what I had been waiting for. Within three months I would be adding six new packs to my abdomen and six new hotties to my facebook friend list (which would take my total number of female friends to six).

Cut to scene: 10 days later,

I had erred gravely. Below my chest instead of six packs was one giant family pack, visible only when I bent forward. The smiles I saw on the first day were not actually smiles. They were actually a series of muscular movements our cheeks make when the body is in intense stress. I knew it because I had been smiling non stop for 10 days. My friends thought gyming had made me a happier person. Instead of correcting them I encouraged them to join and make their lives happier as well. The hot women I saw on the first day had disappeared too. I was told by another conned member that they are seen only on special days. Days when fools like me are beeing shown around. Apparently they were experts trained in the art of slow motion running. An art which unfortunately I am a keen admirer of. Among the few genuine females left, a couple were not so genuine. They mocked me everyday by repeating the very same exercises I did but only with twice the weights. My male ego was being given the ass whipping of its life. One of these (suspected) females was supposedly married, which forced me into thinking about her husband. He could fall into one of two categories. Physically equal to his lovely wife, in which case their lovemaking could be publicly shown on National geography. The show would highlight the limits a human body can endure. On the other extreme, her husband could be physically just a normal guy. In which case their love making could also be shown on the same show... highlighting the same limits a human body can endure. Only in this case there would be a good chance he could die while filming. 

Apart from these two the other women were decent enough. But I soon realized that gym is place where you can't cover up your sissyness. As far as impressing girls goes, dressing up in cool clothes and walking a cool walk are any day better than shrieking like a girl while lifting weights, and then limping your way to the wash room when your over. This is that facet of a guy's personality that maybe okay for his mother, definitely not for a prospective girlfriend. The added physical strain on my body soon started to take its toll. My scores in online shooting games fell drastically and so did my booze intake capacity. These being the top two priorities of my life are something I can't sacrifice. Doing physical labour each day untill I tired myself out forced me to compare myself with construction workers who go through an equally similar grind each day. A big difference being that they get paid to do it, while I pay thousands to people who make me to do it. And that's when I decided that it was time to quit. I bid adeu to the suckers at the gym feeling proud of the enlightenment gyaan which luckily I received in just 10 days while others slogged it out not knowing that it was all worthless. When they turn 50, they will have kids yelling back at them and a job they'll hate, just like me. Having great triceps would offer no help.

Inspite of all the technological advances our race has made, bodybuilding still remains the same old traditional art. There are no pills that magically enlarge muscles (even steroids demand a workout) or no operations to give you those six packs. It could take many more years for science to develop these.

I, have decided to wait.


Roshmi Sinha said...


A very entertaining post, indeed! Following you...

sobhit said...

abbe saale kya dirty pix lagayi hai... but nehw bodybuilder ki toh aisi hi hongi.. but dude since wen u wanted such a body?? seems u lost ur cool 4 sm tym den.. but all gud now back 2 basic... y waste ur hard earnd money to cut out ur hard earnd body :P :P... 1 pack does d work.. n sans d ladies wid not so atheletc bodies in d gym, its 1 boring place... i hv invested 3 major yrs f my life in d gym workin hard wid whgts n runnig on d treadmill.. only 2 b njoyin my 1 pack abs sitting home now :P.. gud u learnd it sooner... n bein d hardcore scne freak u seem 2b.. sure 1day science wil do dat developmnt 2 get dat perfect 6 pack body in yrs 2 come... till den pump in n out brothr :P :P....

Abhishek said...

@sobhit....U seem to have no knowledge about Bodybuilding.for your kind information the pic of the male bodybuilder given above is fake.

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