The great Indian dance trick Friday, January 15, 2010

We sure know how to dance. Over the years, growing up in Delhi has meant that I have witnessed a gamut of marriages ranging from the most bizzarre (where the groom was brought on an elephant which accidently drank some rum and went on a stampede) to the most lavish (one which had Dominoes put up a pizza stall). In all of these money wasting affairs, one thing remains common. The dance moves us Indians bring out. Here are a few personal favourites:

  • The talli sapera-
    Join your hands, form a snake, place it over your forehead, now wriggle like a snake which is prime into its mating cycle.... yeeaahhh

    Statutory warning: Make sure the pointy thing you made with your hands doesn't point towards the wrong body parts. Especially when dancing in a mixed gender crowd

  •  The patang baaz-
    Imagine yourself flying a kite. Suits best on bollywood numbers. There's a catch here however. Only one person in the group doing this looks cool. If you were about to bring this ace out and some one else stole your thunder, too bad. All you can do is hold an imaginary 'charkhadi' and try not to look like an idiot.

    Statutory warning: While you are flying the kite the most common technique is pulling up the kite (kheecha maarna) because I've hardly seen anyone releasing the string (dheel). kheecha always looks cool while dancing. There's one danger though. In an ideal Indian marriage, the women folk adorn themselves with the most complicated drapes better known as sarees. A saree's anatomy includes something known as a 'paloo'. If one of these accidentally falls in your kite flying hands, the entire celebration might turn ugly and your might henceforth have to live with a new nickname- Dushasan.

  • The Indianized taang-o
    No indian wedding or anniversary is complete without the maami chaachis forcing the couple to do a ball room dance. I not only find this strange but also disrespectful to our culture. I mean come on! Are people in latin America (from where tango originates) forced to do a bharatnatiyam at their weddings? Why should we do theirs? Especially when we totally suck at it. To make matters worse, most desi couples oblidge. Dancing lessons have made the newly weds atleast prepared with the basics. Middle aged couples doing ball room on their anniversaries are the worst affected. Looking at their awful synchronization coupled with their complete mismatch of steps makes people wonder that with this compatibility, how the fuck did they make it so long!!

    Statutory warning: I know you are getting married and its pretty obvious you'll be told to do that customary ball room thing. It's good to prepare yourself. Just don't get carried away.
    The guy in the pic on the right looks cool, but only on TV. You don't want to be trying this move on your marriage, trust me. The Indian wedding attire can do a lot of things. Hide you excess fat?Yes. Put you in debt due to its astronomical price?Yes. Make you guess where the dress ends and where the person begins?Yes. But sustain such elongation and stretching?HELL NO!

  • The flying earthworm
    This one takes the cake. Not because its extremely popular or anything. It's just that it's a family exclusive. I can proudly own up to this and say that this one originated in my family and at every other family celebration, someone in the family picks up the mantle and performs it to thundering applause. The applause is from our family members mostly, others just laugh. Anyways, the technique is pretty complicated and it is said that the true reason Michael Jackson died was because he was trying to copy it. The move basically goes like this, Imagine an earthworm flying vertically from the ground towards the sky. Now imagine your finger to be this earthworm and don't forget to keep it wriggling while it flies. To save you the details I have drawn a 3D image using the most sophisticated animation software that todays technology offers. the 3D technology used to draw these images is the same which was used to make the overly hyped flick 'Avataar'. Anyways, here is the masterpeice:

    Statutory warning: Don't try this at home. On celebrity death is enough. In case you are able to do this, don't forget to pay us the appropriate royalties.

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