Mazaa Puneet Thakeray aahe Friday, February 5, 2010

They say that except your biological parents, you can choose pretty much everything else in life. I have. I'm now a Thakeray.  I have devised a masterplan which shall take me to greatness. I know I shouldn't make this super confidential plan public, but then... who else but me reads this crap!

I'm trying my hand at learning Marathi. At this age, learning a new language is a scientifically proven pain in the ass. But I'm already armed with basic swear words and since I won't be reciting poems by Pula Deshpande, only a few select statements would need translation. "Fuck you gamcha lover..!!" , "Fuck you Bihari..!!" and "Fuck you bhaiya log..!!" is probably the only 3 statements I'll be making in my short and eventful public life while I beat the hell out of all migrant labours here. Since "Fuck you" comprises 50% of all the statements, learning the Marathi equivalent of just these two words would take me half way there.
Step 1: Learn Marathi (Target level: basic)

I was watching the news the other day looking at the taxi/auto drivers getting beaten up. The people around me immediately let loose a tirade of abuses against the violent sainiks which I found strange. I mean seriously, just have a look at some of those people getting beaten up. Many looked like jail convicts who had just conned the last person who sat in their taxis. Their must be some reason that with faces like that, they are still able to attract the general TV viewer's sympathy. And then suddenly, it happened. My eureka moment had come! I realized that the reason the sainiks were being hated was because their fighting tactics were old. No matter how righteous your cause is, hitting with bare hands on the heads along with a constipated look (like the one shown in this pic) will not make you look macho, no matter how ideologically correct your intentions are. Imagine hitting them kung fu style with legs flying all over the place (which will keep flying... in slow motion the whole day for India TV viewers). WOW! Now thats an impact. Who can hate that? You turn from being the hated villain into the awesome Akshay kumar in an instant.
Step 2: Learn Shaolin Kung fu (Target level: intermediate)

Once I teach my fellow party workers the fine art of  beating up people and looking sexy while they are at it, the migrants would run for cover. For the final kick that would throw everyone out, I would need to blow this very cover. With my extensive knowledge of the likes and dislikes of my people, I would point fellow sainiks to our hideouts and weaknesses.


To draw out the Delhi crowd, I'd arrange a fake Gucci & Versace sale allegedly offering a 0.02% discount. People from Delhi generally have the tendency to splurge on stuff they generally do not need (and cannot afford) in order to show off to their neighbors or relatives. On reading the word discount (no matter how infinitesimal), they can even risk their lives.

For the UP bhaiya log, I'd arrange a reality show called "Sabse bada goon le jaayega Rakhi ko honeymoon". The criteria for coming as a contestant would be a bio-data full of pending court cases for crimes ranging from rape to murder. Most UP guys would be easily covered here.

Drawing out the Bihari folks would be the easiest. Search for a Manoj Tiwari duplicate, Book a movie hall to play "Daroga baabu I love you" for a whole week at subsidized ticket rates. Bihari migrant problem solved.
Step 3: Betray your own


And then would come the master stroke of all. After getting rid of the 'outsiders' and helping the two senas achieve what they obviously couldn't without my help, I'd be the jewel crown in their courts. Pleased with my services, the state government would give me a stake in all the riches left behind by my fellow north Indians as I'd be the last rightful heir.
Step 4: Sit back and relax

Related Posts with Thumbnails

The game I love :)