The Uncursed Hero Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The English sent their missionaries to India only to realize that this country already knows everything. And indeed it did. So much, that it took the pommies hundreds of years to systematically make us believe that our ancestors didn't know shit. The most important stuff that our ancestors had so painfully learned, was stopped from propagating to the future generations as it would become the source of unending powers for an unstoppable nation. This truly awesome piece of gyaan was termed  as 'social evils' that needs immediate banning. All of this is about to change and enlightenment is only a few hundred words ahead. To begin my thesis, I began my prodigious research on Indian history which required diving into a sea of historical books, letters and wikipedia articles. Basically just the wikipedia articles, the letters to the penthouse did not, to my surprise offer anything historical. (Although they did invoke my nationalistic instincts inside, with me wanting to invade the country of the various letter writers). Nevertheless, what I did find was truly a revelation.

The purdah
The most intelligent women centric custom ever conceived. Indian males of the medieval times realized one of their dormant super powers. The power to imagine. My data clearly suggests that women at that time were actually wearing pretty revealing clothes even by todays standards. Hot pants and tank tops were the norm. The average Indian male even then checked out the ladies unashamedly (which has somehow been passed on till this date), but he got bored almost immediately. There is this game that men have been playing since ages. Its called 'checking out ladies, and rating them on a 10 point scale' Apparently In those times, this game wasn't fun anymore. It got over really soon. A few wise men of those times then decided, to give the game little twist. To truly improve their powers to judge, they would now start covering up the women folk. Suddenly it became interesting. Those few ladies who might not have scored earlier found their voice again, and among the men, the true experts were born. From a mere 20% of the total women, the entire female population now turned into the single largest group of potential super models.
And then, the British came, and fucked up this notion, and shoved it as a 'social evil' up ours.

The caste based segregation
The year was 1212 AD. Brijmohan was born into a wealthy family of beggars. While posing as eunchs, they were able to extort huge sums by merely threatening people with one of their trademark "Thou shall not conceive.. EVER!" curses. Clearly, as the latest census data confirms, our country is really serious on its ability to conceive, and such threats could not be taken lightly. But all of brijmohan's friends were going to school. And so he had to as well. After his studies, he gave the CAT, MAT, SAT and enough ATs that his tiny fingers could swat. His indecision and the resulting frustration had reached such high levels, that once he contemplated suicide but couldn't go ahead as he was unsure of  how to kill himself. His friends went on to become Nalanda educated financial wiz kids who were employed by the infamous nawabs of those times. Brijmohan saw his friends earning their daily bread by bowing in front of the nawaabs and requesting for favours by day, and responding to the nawab's requests by night. Brijmohan now knew that their job was no better than his ancestral one. He declared that all children from now, could only take up the jobs their forefathers did, as that would not only save them from future career related indecisions, but also some painful nights with the nawab.
And then, the British came, and fucked this concept up, and shoved it as a 'social evil' up ours.

The child marriage
A bunch of medieval men once realized, that inspite of being grown ass men in their 20s, all they could think of was sex. They not only felt ashamed of themselves, but also realized why their boss kept complaining of their non-seriousness to work. A few of these men were having love affairs since college, and the village heads from the girl's side wanted to marry off their daughter at the earliest. All this tension was hitting on their efficiency at work. And so the orders were given. The maximum age by which you have to get married is 15. The sex bit now became part of early education, and by the time men and women reached 25, all they could think of was their careers.
And then, the British came, and fucked this concept up, and shoved it as a 'social evil' up ours.








But the  Britishers couldn't do it alone, they needed an inside man.



Here he is, giving us the finger, mocking us for the sea of knowledge he stopped us from having.

Fuck you Raja Ram Mohan Roy, may you never rest in peace.















(Key inputs, all the way from tulsa!)

The greatest game ever played Tuesday, June 8, 2010




How many times has it happened, that you turn on the TV only to get irritated watching the entire bunch of reality shows and then soon switch the damn thing off? Ahaa..!! That's what any normal person would do. I on the other hand, am different. When I get bored of something, I do no take the usual selfish decisions. My heart beats for the entire world and I always try to come up with solutions to improve the state of affairs. The following is my draft proposal of a show which will change the way you look at TV shows. What it will change for sure, is my relations with the 'kapoor' clan (a change from 'non-existing' to 'intimately personal').
I'd like to call my reality show,


Na Maa Ki, Na Behen Ki,
Main Favorite Is Poore Vatan Ki.


I know it sounds a bit shady, but that's just the title. The show is purely for the families. I had to give in to my to-be producers for a raunchy title to make some profits. So the show will be about the search for a woman who has all the qualities of becoming India's most loved reality star. It will be a series of the most difficult tests the lady participants will ever take in their entire life. The experiences gained will be life changing. For a few of their future husbands, it might even be life threatening. They will go through shit they never knew they could go through. Let me just cut the crap and present to you, the most  intensely insane, obscenely vulgar, but yet, awesomely thought provoking format for India's greatest reality show ever produced.

Round 1.
Applicants will be sought to participate in the show. We are assuming the numbers to go in millions. A number of clauses will need to be signed. A few more important ones will range from agreeing to work for free in return for guaranteed stardom to agreeing to go through any shit the director asks (or the producer wants... when he's a little drunk... if you know what I mean heh). The auditioning interviews will be conducted by our esteemed panel of judges which would include celebrated personalities like Gulshan grover, Danny Dengzompa and Ranjeet. Oh don't worry, since this is a family show, Ranjeet would be kept tied.

Round 2.
Only 40 would remain. The shortlisted contestants would enter a round called 'vixen' which is a play on words for BIKKSeN which again is short for "basanti in kutto ke saamne BHI naachna". Their star choreographer would be none other than our desi Michael Jackson with a polio in each feet, Sunny Deol. Not that they would need any coaching, coz they would be dancing to this following piece of musical marvel:



In case the above video doesn't load, here is its link on youtube-link
Some important points from the video:

  • The female lead's solo moves around 2:10 could make or break a contestant's chances at the trophy.
  • Has television ever seen a more lamer guy appear on it?
  • Even this douche-bag drives a better bike than I do. (Consider this as my suicide note)
Round 3.
Only 30 would remain. After the viewers approve of the ladies' gyrating talents, we would be checking out their vocal ones. Each participant would be called out to perform in front of a drunk audience, the ultra famous cult song, "Beedi Jalayile". The twist here would be that the drunk people around them would also be the judges for this round. (No intentions of cheap TRPs. Purely done in accordance with the way the original song was picturized)

Round 4.
Only 15 would remain. These 15 would be thrown in 15 separate punjabi joint families who themselves would already be fighting over property claims. Each girl would be introduced as the family grandfather's illegitimate love grandchild who has come to stake her claim. This would lead to conspiracies, camps, plastic surgeries and bitching of a scale that Indian television has rarely seen. I personally see this section garnering the maximum TRPs. The families would then vote out their least favorite bahu, before returning to their usual crap.

Round 5.
Only 7 would remain. Rahul Mahajan will have a surprise entry on our show. We are assuming that he'd be divorced (again) by then and would be longing his 5 more minutes of fame. In true Godfather style, we will make him an offer he would not refuse. We would offer him the role of  the new age draupadi in a male avataar. (No, he won't be undressed in a courtroom) We will lure him into believing that this time he could marry 5 girls, but would have to sign an agreement according to which he would have to, in any circumstances select 5. The big loser he is, he would happily agree (might even agree to sponsor the show). To twist things up, we would tell the girls that the 5 that Rahul chooses would actually loose. Our poor Rahul would then have to face the most severe crap of his life at the hands of our participants. Till the time the show ends, the amount of ridicule we would have caused him, television audience would hopefully never see him again ever (fingers crossed).

Round 6.
Only 2 would remain. It has been a conscious decision to avoid the usual SMS voting, but only until now. The entire nation finally gets to participate and votes for its favorite daughter/bahu/keep. On a grand stage, the janta's decision will be announced. Just when the winner would be about to be crowned, our awesomely sharp story twist. Enter our Grandmaster. (Dance India Dance?) the greatest womanizer of em all, Shakti Kapoor. He would arrive on stage only to veto the audience's decision and postpone the results for a week. A week later he would come and disclose the real winner. What happens in that week is a trade secret which the channel guys (and Shakti kapoor) have asked me not to let out. Let's just say our grandmaster needed a bit of convincing.

Now before you judge the above concept on the way it treats women, believe you me, the pervert and hypocrite Indian audience would spend their days protesting against such falling levels of entertainments, while at the same time vote for their favorite bahu at night.

I on the other hand would not attach my real name with show. God sent me to serve his subjects, and by God I will. As the show reaches sky high levels, I would be somewhere....
meditating in the Himalayas....
searching for the deeper meanings of life.
(Oh I'd still be online on gtalk though, just in case)

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