The greatest game ever played Tuesday, June 8, 2010

How many times has it happened, that you turn on the TV only to get irritated watching the entire bunch of reality shows and then soon switch the damn thing off? Ahaa..!! That's what any normal person would do. I on the other hand, am different. When I get bored of something, I do no take the usual selfish decisions. My heart beats for the entire world and I always try to come up with solutions to improve the state of affairs. The following is my draft proposal of a show which will change the way you look at TV shows. What it will change for sure, is my relations with the 'kapoor' clan (a change from 'non-existing' to 'intimately personal').
I'd like to call my reality show,

Na Maa Ki, Na Behen Ki,
Main Favorite Is Poore Vatan Ki.

I know it sounds a bit shady, but that's just the title. The show is purely for the families. I had to give in to my to-be producers for a raunchy title to make some profits. So the show will be about the search for a woman who has all the qualities of becoming India's most loved reality star. It will be a series of the most difficult tests the lady participants will ever take in their entire life. The experiences gained will be life changing. For a few of their future husbands, it might even be life threatening. They will go through shit they never knew they could go through. Let me just cut the crap and present to you, the most  intensely insane, obscenely vulgar, but yet, awesomely thought provoking format for India's greatest reality show ever produced.

Round 1.
Applicants will be sought to participate in the show. We are assuming the numbers to go in millions. A number of clauses will need to be signed. A few more important ones will range from agreeing to work for free in return for guaranteed stardom to agreeing to go through any shit the director asks (or the producer wants... when he's a little drunk... if you know what I mean heh). The auditioning interviews will be conducted by our esteemed panel of judges which would include celebrated personalities like Gulshan grover, Danny Dengzompa and Ranjeet. Oh don't worry, since this is a family show, Ranjeet would be kept tied.

Round 2.
Only 40 would remain. The shortlisted contestants would enter a round called 'vixen' which is a play on words for BIKKSeN which again is short for "basanti in kutto ke saamne BHI naachna". Their star choreographer would be none other than our desi Michael Jackson with a polio in each feet, Sunny Deol. Not that they would need any coaching, coz they would be dancing to this following piece of musical marvel:

In case the above video doesn't load, here is its link on youtube-link
Some important points from the video:

  • The female lead's solo moves around 2:10 could make or break a contestant's chances at the trophy.
  • Has television ever seen a more lamer guy appear on it?
  • Even this douche-bag drives a better bike than I do. (Consider this as my suicide note)
Round 3.
Only 30 would remain. After the viewers approve of the ladies' gyrating talents, we would be checking out their vocal ones. Each participant would be called out to perform in front of a drunk audience, the ultra famous cult song, "Beedi Jalayile". The twist here would be that the drunk people around them would also be the judges for this round. (No intentions of cheap TRPs. Purely done in accordance with the way the original song was picturized)

Round 4.
Only 15 would remain. These 15 would be thrown in 15 separate punjabi joint families who themselves would already be fighting over property claims. Each girl would be introduced as the family grandfather's illegitimate love grandchild who has come to stake her claim. This would lead to conspiracies, camps, plastic surgeries and bitching of a scale that Indian television has rarely seen. I personally see this section garnering the maximum TRPs. The families would then vote out their least favorite bahu, before returning to their usual crap.

Round 5.
Only 7 would remain. Rahul Mahajan will have a surprise entry on our show. We are assuming that he'd be divorced (again) by then and would be longing his 5 more minutes of fame. In true Godfather style, we will make him an offer he would not refuse. We would offer him the role of  the new age draupadi in a male avataar. (No, he won't be undressed in a courtroom) We will lure him into believing that this time he could marry 5 girls, but would have to sign an agreement according to which he would have to, in any circumstances select 5. The big loser he is, he would happily agree (might even agree to sponsor the show). To twist things up, we would tell the girls that the 5 that Rahul chooses would actually loose. Our poor Rahul would then have to face the most severe crap of his life at the hands of our participants. Till the time the show ends, the amount of ridicule we would have caused him, television audience would hopefully never see him again ever (fingers crossed).

Round 6.
Only 2 would remain. It has been a conscious decision to avoid the usual SMS voting, but only until now. The entire nation finally gets to participate and votes for its favorite daughter/bahu/keep. On a grand stage, the janta's decision will be announced. Just when the winner would be about to be crowned, our awesomely sharp story twist. Enter our Grandmaster. (Dance India Dance?) the greatest womanizer of em all, Shakti Kapoor. He would arrive on stage only to veto the audience's decision and postpone the results for a week. A week later he would come and disclose the real winner. What happens in that week is a trade secret which the channel guys (and Shakti kapoor) have asked me not to let out. Let's just say our grandmaster needed a bit of convincing.

Now before you judge the above concept on the way it treats women, believe you me, the pervert and hypocrite Indian audience would spend their days protesting against such falling levels of entertainments, while at the same time vote for their favorite bahu at night.

I on the other hand would not attach my real name with show. God sent me to serve his subjects, and by God I will. As the show reaches sky high levels, I would be somewhere....
meditating in the Himalayas....
searching for the deeper meanings of life.
(Oh I'd still be online on gtalk though, just in case)


sobhit said...

u got idas bro... remmbr v talkin how dat i idea needs 2 click so v can kick our jobs gud bye n mke mollah out f d idea.. u jst mite hv dat here bro.. .... \m/... yo man.. :P

Jas B said...

Oh my God, that bhojpuri song video makes me wanna shoot myself!
Hilarious dance moves! :D

Puneet said...

hehe yeah.. The lady has all the qualities of a potential bollywood super star, I mean she is the village's best dancer and looks really dumb, which is all you need. Oh and the guy on the other hand is a misfit, thats because he's completely hollywood material. :)

Annu Kavita said...

Jas B even no one can judge dis performance

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