The Uncursed Hero Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The English sent their missionaries to India only to realize that this country already knows everything. And indeed it did. So much, that it took the pommies hundreds of years to systematically make us believe that our ancestors didn't know shit. The most important stuff that our ancestors had so painfully learned, was stopped from propagating to the future generations as it would become the source of unending powers for an unstoppable nation. This truly awesome piece of gyaan was termed  as 'social evils' that needs immediate banning. All of this is about to change and enlightenment is only a few hundred words ahead. To begin my thesis, I began my prodigious research on Indian history which required diving into a sea of historical books, letters and wikipedia articles. Basically just the wikipedia articles, the letters to the penthouse did not, to my surprise offer anything historical. (Although they did invoke my nationalistic instincts inside, with me wanting to invade the country of the various letter writers). Nevertheless, what I did find was truly a revelation.

The purdah
The most intelligent women centric custom ever conceived. Indian males of the medieval times realized one of their dormant super powers. The power to imagine. My data clearly suggests that women at that time were actually wearing pretty revealing clothes even by todays standards. Hot pants and tank tops were the norm. The average Indian male even then checked out the ladies unashamedly (which has somehow been passed on till this date), but he got bored almost immediately. There is this game that men have been playing since ages. Its called 'checking out ladies, and rating them on a 10 point scale' Apparently In those times, this game wasn't fun anymore. It got over really soon. A few wise men of those times then decided, to give the game little twist. To truly improve their powers to judge, they would now start covering up the women folk. Suddenly it became interesting. Those few ladies who might not have scored earlier found their voice again, and among the men, the true experts were born. From a mere 20% of the total women, the entire female population now turned into the single largest group of potential super models.
And then, the British came, and fucked up this notion, and shoved it as a 'social evil' up ours.

The caste based segregation
The year was 1212 AD. Brijmohan was born into a wealthy family of beggars. While posing as eunchs, they were able to extort huge sums by merely threatening people with one of their trademark "Thou shall not conceive.. EVER!" curses. Clearly, as the latest census data confirms, our country is really serious on its ability to conceive, and such threats could not be taken lightly. But all of brijmohan's friends were going to school. And so he had to as well. After his studies, he gave the CAT, MAT, SAT and enough ATs that his tiny fingers could swat. His indecision and the resulting frustration had reached such high levels, that once he contemplated suicide but couldn't go ahead as he was unsure of  how to kill himself. His friends went on to become Nalanda educated financial wiz kids who were employed by the infamous nawabs of those times. Brijmohan saw his friends earning their daily bread by bowing in front of the nawaabs and requesting for favours by day, and responding to the nawab's requests by night. Brijmohan now knew that their job was no better than his ancestral one. He declared that all children from now, could only take up the jobs their forefathers did, as that would not only save them from future career related indecisions, but also some painful nights with the nawab.
And then, the British came, and fucked this concept up, and shoved it as a 'social evil' up ours.

The child marriage
A bunch of medieval men once realized, that inspite of being grown ass men in their 20s, all they could think of was sex. They not only felt ashamed of themselves, but also realized why their boss kept complaining of their non-seriousness to work. A few of these men were having love affairs since college, and the village heads from the girl's side wanted to marry off their daughter at the earliest. All this tension was hitting on their efficiency at work. And so the orders were given. The maximum age by which you have to get married is 15. The sex bit now became part of early education, and by the time men and women reached 25, all they could think of was their careers.
And then, the British came, and fucked this concept up, and shoved it as a 'social evil' up ours.

But the  Britishers couldn't do it alone, they needed an inside man.

Here he is, giving us the finger, mocking us for the sea of knowledge he stopped us from having.

Fuck you Raja Ram Mohan Roy, may you never rest in peace.

(Key inputs, all the way from tulsa!)


Jas B said...

All I can come up with is hahahahahaha!
Interesting perspectives! :D

sobhit said...

only u can get this thru dude... awesum.. ur work is leaving me speechless day by day :P

abhas@numismatology said...

wow nice blog hope u would like to visit mine also

Rishi said...

hate to pop your bubble... but your got the last part wrong... and british didn't fuck anyone ... well not that hard....

true every superstition and , now declared, orthodox rules n regulations had a genuine basis but the ancestors never tried to explain the reason behind them (may be thought of us smarter than we really were)... soon idioms became laws without any reason... the only reason was because God said so... (and that's been rated the lamest reason by TIME magazine and Paris Hilton)

lastly Raja Ram Mohan Roy actually attacked the fact that laws didn't have any reason behind them. He used to question the basis for such laws ... but yes, there are records that show the picture as u presented... mostly by irate british nationals...

Puneet said...

Jas, Sobhit, thanks :)

Rishi, chill dude, didn't mean to offend. I'm all for Indian customs, in fact, the rating game is my all time favorite :)
And as far as Raja Ram is concerned, you do understand that this post is a humorous take on him right?

Rishi said...

i wasn't really angry.. but this post can be wrongly cited as a reference... so felt it necessary to correct you

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