Personality tests Monday, April 18, 2011

I read a few months back about the introduction of new sun signs. I had changed from a fiery arien to a calmer piscean overnight. The new 'planets'/'stars'/'whatever shit astrology is based on' had changed me completely. For two straight days, I did not take a print out of Brian Austin Green, and did not punch a hole in it as a waking up routine. (Google who he's married to & I bet you'd do this too.) Nor did I participate in the stone throwing sport I indulge in, where I target randomly sitting animals/birds, and aim for their head. I had truly changed, or so I believed. But sadly, two days was all that it lasted. Which is when I realized what a crappy piece of junk astrology really is. Like all enlightened men from history, I quickly attained nirvana.  Ingenuity and brilliance soon followed. What I came up with next are these awesome replacements for the phoney science called astrology. Pay attention.

The Roti test:
Your crime scene-
One round chapati, in a thali. In case this sounds too humdrum to be read in a blog, imagine Yana gupta serving this... of course in a backless sari! you even had to ask?

Your plan of action-

  1. You have had a fixed routine of breaking up chapatis ever since you stopped wetting your bed. For example, here's a possible roti-tod plan (in the image by the side) with the numbers indicating the order in which you eat the piece.
    Personality: You don't experiment much with what's been tried and tested. You genuinely like your smal titsy bitsy daily routines. In fact, you not only like them, you'd start feeling weird if  any part of those carefully perfected routines changed. To prove me wrong, try asking your mum to make triangular chapati and eat it. Chances are, it just won't feel right.

  2. No fixed way of breaking the roti up. you can take a tequila shot with one hand, and break rotis into edible pieces with the other. As long as it rids you of your hunger, you don't care how it looks when it enters your mouth.
    Personality: To all things/people that bore you, you give a rat's ass. You're not the one who craves to be loved by all. You have a select few close pals, and are willing to go neck deep in trouble for em. You have that quality of never growing up, which could on one hand, keep you the most jovial and the 'jaan' of parties among your friends, but could also land you into sexual harassment cases from random parents of random teenagers when you enter into your 50s.

  3. You're a chinese. You have no clue how you landed on this site, and have no clue what the fuck a Roti is.
    Personality: Dude! forget about personalities, go change you passwords, and stop clicking on random links that take you meaningless websites like this.

The Sabzi test:
Your crime scene-
Three rotis and three square inch of sabzi's all you got. It's a moderately favorite sabzi of yours, which means, you don't necessarily hate it, but aren't that keen to ask for more either.

Your plan of action-

  1. You don't care how much of it is covered/collected by a single Roti piece. As long as shiela and her jawaani continues gyrating on the TV in front, that's where your attention is. More than once in your life, you have accidentally dipped the piece of roti in the adjoining glass of water instead of the sabzi bowl, which you only realized when you drank that odd tasting water.
    Personality: Clearly, not the planning types. Your kids would openly hurl abuses at you for not saving anything for them. You however, would have lived a life worth living. Why worry about the future, when the present can be made awesome. You heirlooms would include heavy hospital bills, and a long list of creditors. On the plus side, you funeral would see a huge turnout, with thousands crying because of the huge loss. Physical and financial.

  2. The sabzi is your everest, and you conquer it with meticulous planning. You run imaginary lines through it mentally dividing it into the exact equal number of roti pieces, the very same Roti which you've already mentally divided. The last chunk of sabzi looks like it was divinely put there to be a part of that last roti piece.
    Personality:Commander Hannibal. You are wasting your talents breaking bread when you should be drawing out plans on how to invade china. You're powers of saving for the future are so awesome, that you devise a financially uber complex investment plan, go suggest it to the companies first, and then put your money in it. Even if  you know that the chances of you becoming a parent are zilch, you would still save enough money for your imaginary children so that they complete their Harvard degrees, two times over.

The Driving test:

Your crime scene-
A car, a wheel, you behind it, and a road in front.

Your plan of action-

  1. The simple thought of some one overtaking you disgusts you. When some one does overtake, you bitch about how reckless his driving is, or you bitch about how the hell you landed up in the most slow moving lanes. Here's a precondition to all this:
    where,    N1= number of wheels of your vehicle
                                 N2= number of wheels of the overtaking vehicle.

    In that rare case of N1>N2, all the sisterly and motherly love pours out in the form of choice punjabi abuses, because clearly, you've found that select group in the world which was responsible for all the crimes ever committed on earth which includes the holocaust, all the world wars, the killing of Gandhi, and the birth or Rakhi Sawant.
    Personality:If you were on an about-to-be-crashed airplane with another person, and there were two parachutes available. You would still end up killing that other guy because clearly the world needs you more, and hence, you need that added risk mitigation in the form of the extra parachute.

  2. You inevitably find people bumping your vehicle from all corners. The entire city has memorized you vehicle number by heart, and as a result by merely seeing you in front, start honking for no apparent reason. You're the safest driver around, but still your car's injury list beats Sachin tendulkar's.
    Personality:You're a woman.

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