The quintessential SOP for the ordinary Indian Thursday, August 25, 2011

I clearly remember the day when I decided that I wanted to pursue an MBA. Remembering that particular moment still gives me goosebumps. The goosebumps were primarily because I had went out in the delhi cold to buy some bread anda without any woolens on, but anyways. The day will forever be etched in my memory. I had just completed my engineering, and had not got a job. I had just received the CAT scorecard with "WTF! you serious?" written on it. I knew then, India wasn't good enough for me. An MBA and that too from a place where the competition isn't that intense was calling me. Dear Sir/Madam, it is through this statement of purpose that I wish to offer my candidature for your esteemed (and filthily expensive) MBA program. I know Sir/Madam err wait a sec... this 'Sir/Madam' is getting ridiculously redundant, so please let me assume that you are a woman.. a really hot one. Okay. I know Madam, that among the scores of applications your office receives  it must be really tough to go through so many stellar profiles. I personally would have used a wheel of fortune to choose students if I were you. hah! (ice breaker joke, please don't seriously use this suggestion this time). I would however, like to tell you a few of my experiences and more importantly, what I learned from them in order to further my case as to why I should be admitted.

I was once playing cricket with a few of my friends in my back lane. I don't like to brag much so to put it modestly, I am an awesome batsman. I hit a huge six once and the ball went straight inside Handa aunty's (Yes. that is indeed one of the many strange Indian names. And no, she's not named after a Japanese car manufacturing company) lawn. She bluntly refused to return it just like she had been doing it for all those years. Then once I noticed a brand new honda (No. That is not an Indian name. And yes, that is indeed a Japanese car manufacturing company) accord outside her home. Being a car enthuisiast myself, I went to have a look, and boy did I have a look! I saw an unknown man inside her house holding her in her arms. As soon as I let her know of what I saw, I got back around 47 cricket balls she had collected from us, and she also offered us an unlimited supply for the future as and when the need arose. I learned an important lesson that day. Acquiring critical information, and keeping it to yourself is a key factor for a successful organization. Google had its page rank algorithm shrouded in mystery for many years for example. Another lesson learnt was that you need to shortlist a section of customers who would pay their ass off for such critical information. The neighbouring Verma aunty for example, would not have payed me much for this information, but would have on the other hand disseminated it across the neighborhood which would have been a waste really.

Another fine night, I missed my last metro back home. I hadn't had food for the past 3 hours and was extremely hungry. With no money with me, I started running around like a foolish man. It is a pretty usual pang I have when kept away from food for long. Steve Jobs was in new delhi and saw me running foolishly. He asked me what the matter was and I told him I was really hungry. He gave me a million dollars. On his way back he realized what a dumass he was and what a genius I was. And that's when he came up with that catchphrase to be used at the end of commencement speeches. I learned an important lesson that day. Stay hungry, stay foolish.

I used to like this girl in school. It was more of an obsessive disorder rather than a simple like. It's because of her that I took home sciences classes in school learning how to make shahi paneer instead of the physical education classes. I used to follow her around incessantly. Sometimes even to her home, while my home was 10 kilometers away. Blank calls, Crank calls, I did em all. One day she knew. She must surely have realized my true love for her. She asked me to meet her after school. She came, slapped me on my face, threw abuses that even I hadn't heard before, and cited possible 'police action' if I didn't stop. I learned an important lesson that day. The risks of dedicated corporate portfolio management strategies. In conditions of an economic downturns, when the organization fails, the company managing it will also fail which should be avoided. I learned the importance of an equally balanced portfolio with multiple clients spread across all sectors. I learned the importance of various IP sections when it comes to stalking.. err.. I mean managing such clients. Hell I even learned a few nice abuses along the way.

Then there was this time when I got drunk in college and peed on a sleeping dog for fun. A few injections later I learned an important lesson that day too. You should never pee on a sleeping dog. Sorry. Not relevant but just wanted to share a few painful personal experiences.

So Dear Madam, I hope that citing such experiences I have been able to put my case across in an appropriate manner letting you know how I would be a perfect fit for your course. I truly hope that you would not want to lose out on such an awesome candidate, with a skill set so awesome, that some times even I wonder do I really need a degree? No but seriously I do need it. Please let me in. Dad's got shitloads of money awaiting to boost your country's economy.

Peace \m/

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