Desilympics Tuesday, August 14, 2012

While the recent Olympics drew to an end, I looked at the medal tally to know where Pakistan stood. Of course that's the only way an Indian can feel remotely good looking at where we stand in the final medal tally. To be honest I'm not surprised our great nation gets regularly overtaken by countries so unknown, that their national airline pilots sometimes log in to google earth mid air to know where to land. It's a different matter google earth spits out auto correct to further humiliate them. Like this one time some pilot was googling Azerbaijan (yes, a country) and was greeted with "Did you mean Azharuddin bhaijan?" The biggest problem is the kind of sports that the western world plays. It's very unfair how the sports we Indians have so proudly mastered over the centuries find no takers on the world's biggest stage. I now present a list of sports, which if included would ensure that India reaches its rightful place in the medal tally. Of course that will last for just one Olympics max before china replicates the setup in a month and kicks everyone's ass next time.

  • The loudest scream

    3 Simple steps to find your gold medalist. Go to Punjab. Pick a woman in her 40s. Tell her that someone in some distant village died whom she didn't even know. There, we have a winner. 
  • The slowest mile

    An Indian politician with a development project file in his hands. The Indian neta is blessed with a mutant gene which makes him the fastest and the slowest animal on the planet. Hand him a rural development project on a file and he wins the slowest mile hands down. Give him the same file this time for a multiplex that his friends are investing in and he can finish a 100 meter race, light a cigar and smoke a couple of puffs before Usain Bolt can touch him.
  •  4X100 The slowest mile relay

    Apart from the politician, giving him company to make the nation proud would be a high court judge, an Indian cop in a sarkari jeep, and Venkatesh Prasad. Oh and Venkatesh Prasad is not allowed to ball slower balls because that would just be cheating.

  • The scariest faces

    The Indian wrestlers once again do the nation proud. 

  • Not doing anything and still getting paid (for your whole life)

    This really lies on the edge of being called a real sport. Many however believe that it takes a superhuman amount of skill for a normal human being who is not born to a billionaire father to just sit on his ass and still earn a living. The winner in this category would be Kolkata's factory union worker. There was a recent news that a factory union in Kolkata called a strike to protest against the hardships caused during the regular strikes. Yes, a strike within a strike. Inception anyone? The silver medalist in this sport would be Parthiv Patel who has earned a living by being the perennial 12th man in the Indian cricket team. He loses out because he does move his bum sometimes when the batsman in the middle need a new pair of gloves or drinks. 
  •  Stone throwing

    The domestic qualification process would be intense. Assembled together would be the finest party workers from various political parties who claim expertise in stone pelting. I've heard tales of this one stone pelter so dedicated and thorough, he once pelted his own house because he had forgotten to use the door. Then there was this other stone pelter who was called during the Kargil war as no Indian missiles had the range of reaching the enemy bunkers on top of the Himalayan peaks.
  • Obstacle tricycling

    The Indian rickshaw puller wins this hands down. Ram Bhaguniya, one of India's leading rickshaw puller who practices his art in Delhi, on being asked the secret to why Indian rickshaw pullers were the best when it came to meandering through a wide maze of obstacles had this to say: "15 rupya lagega bhaiya". On being retold that this was an interview and we didn't plan to go anywhere he had this to say: "humari toh ek hi technique hai bhaiya, yadi kisi jageh mei apna sarr fit ho sakta hai, toh humari rickshaw bhi ho sakti hai" (translation: If I can get my head in a narrow opening, my rickshaw can get in too)

  • Kick dodging (matrix style)

    A surprise winner here. The Indian baraat's band player. The drum player of Indian marriage ceremonies has perfected his technique of looking for currency notes lying on the ground and collecting them. There is one persistent danger though. Not the drunk horse on which rides the groom, but the drunk baraatis jumping and kicking all over the place like a herd of elephants in an orgy of dance. The band vaala risks his life and successfully dodges every kick and every flying pallu to collect his prize.

So there you go. Rio 2016, here we come!

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